Posted in cancer

Cancer, I Refuse You

I am looking at my PET scan report. All the legions have mildly increased in the metastasis areas and I am rethinking my decision. Can you help me?

But before that, please do the following if you don’t mind.

Imagine yourself completely bald, with no eyebrows or eyelashes. With such low immunity that you can barely get out of bed, can’t be in crowded places, can’t eat, must wear a mask if you meet people, battle nausea, upset stomach, heat flushes and therefore want to faint so you can escape the miserable feeling of an illness.

Imagine between all this, you must attend an occasion; a very important one. Something you have been looking forward to for almost a year.

How disappointed would you be to attend it this way?

Imagine attending your best friend’s wedding like this? I can’t.


When the beautiful and happy announcement of my best friend’s wedding was made last December and I was declared the ‘Best Man’, it was an honour to be a part of this celebration. Since then I have been planning the wedding and how I can contribute.

The year 2016 started wonderfully for me. I was working and feeling validated, and my health was doing well too. But then it went downhill given my brain radiation, mastectomy surgery and a long list of treatments that didn’t work in curing my cancer, but instead sapped me of all my energy and health; to the extent that I am unable to work today and largely spend my time sleeping.

How then can I attend my favorite occasion of the year in this state?

My oncologist has been encouraging me to go back to regular chemotherapy. He believes that it will help me stabilize my cancer, but it would reintroduce all the symptoms I asked you to imagine.

Right now, I have lost weight to my desired amount, I have a decent amount of hair on my head and due to naturopathy treatment, I am slowly regaining energy. I am climbing my mountain again.

Hence, the thought of taking regular chemotherapy was agonizing. Naturally, I refused.

My oncologist and I have been at loggerheads for months because I am refusing the ‘best treatment’ and putting my life in ‘danger’ over an occasion I want to attend. Surely I should be more mature than that? I have stage 4 cancer after all!

But I stuck my ground. Why?

Because I am already living a compromised life. I have been living it since two and a half years and I am done being scared of cancer. I refuse to change my movie or shopping plans over a doctor’s appointment-  he can see me when I want to see him, not because I fear this brand-new side effect.

I refuse to change my treatment just a month before the wedding and present myself as a shadow of who I am.

I refuse to not be completely alive and active that time and live it to the fullest.

I refuse any treatment that takes me away from me; at least till January. And this deal is non-negotiable.

I don’t mean to be arrogant or disrespectful to my cancer, but I refuse to let it rule me.

Because I am fighting for my life. For the daily experiences, the mundane problems, the TV shows, the family outings, the gossip sessions… and attending important occasions of my loved ones.

We’re told to live a life that we won’t regret when we’re on our death bed.  Well, if I am not at the wedding in my present healthy self, then this will be my regret. And I refuse that.

So, the Gods that have kept me alive until now will just have to take my request and get me through this month and then I will begin any treatment my oncologist suggests.

I don’t know if other warriors get this complacent after spending so much time in the cancer universe. If they stop feeling scared after a point as well.

I don’t mean to be disrespectful to the danger I am putting myself in.

But as I look at my PET scan report and think about the decision I have taken, I ask myself, have I made the right choice? The reply comes immediately. Yes.

Imagine being drunk at your friend’s bachelors and being able to stay up all night long with everybody to enjoy the experience? To be able to dance the night away at the cocktail party and yet have the freshness to attend the wedding the next morning? To be able to stand and give your speech? To be smiling and looking your gorgeous best?

I can. And that’s how I will celebrate this occasion.

Don’t I deserve this luxury? What do you think?

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Author:

Sonia Boury is a twenty seven year old lady from India. She is a strong, independent individual brought up in a family that encourages her to voice her opinions and live with empowerment. She loves to talk [hence made a career in communication], meet people, try new cuisines, read books, travel and loves animals. She is madly in love with her family and is a little obsessed with her mom. Slightly rebellious and hot headed, Sonia's personality helps her survive the corporate world of Public Relations and Digital Media. It is also currently helping her deal with cancer and fight it every single day. Since her diagnosis in 2014, her life priorities have changed from trying to win the rat race to win at life itself. However the objective now is to use her skills to spread support for cancer warriors and create a qualitative support environment for them. Life has been topsy turvy since sometime and she is in the process of rediscovering herself. Does Cancer now define her? Maybe not, but it seems to have brought a sense of clarity into her life which she is currently trying to apprehend. Blogging is helping with that. Life isn't perfect and nor is she.. But hope you enjoy reading what she has to say.

25 thoughts on “Cancer, I Refuse You

  1. Wow,Sonia. Finally a new blog after a long time which sums up what you what you want to so and why you are stopping your treatment for now. Looking forward to meet you on your birthday. Love you lots. Take care, my sweet Warriior.

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    1. Sonia dearest !!!
      I had offered you about a year ago, a medicine like a ‘SANJEEVINI’. Ajay said that you refused comply with it.
      Well , not to worry. You can , not only , attend your best friend’s marriage , but also see her child getting married !!!
      First of all , you need to know, that , you yourself are manufacturing the medicine you required by you !!!
      It’s called AUT – ‘Auto Urine Therapy’
      That’s right, EVERY mammal’s urine is nothing, but a concentrated, body manufacturered ‘Steriod’ , and NOT a waste product !!! WE are wasting our urine !!! It’s the ONLY steriod with ZERO side-effects !!! A person’s own urine is 100% safer than the cow’s urine.
      When applied on any wounds on the body, it heals it. Similarly, when consumed, it reaches out each & every ‘cell’ of the body which is damaged, and heals it !!!
      Now I’ll tell you the procedure.
      24 hours before you start, NO meat, NO alcohol , NO cigarettes . That’s all.
      The urine Manufactured by the body after sunset is MORE potent. In a normal person’s case, where he consumes daily for EXCELLENT HEALTH , he takes the FIRST URINE that he passes on awakening in the morning. But, in sever cases, EVERY DROP 💧 matters, for a quicker recovery !!! That is, throughout the day and night, whatever urine is produced, should be consumed (minimum 1 glass or whatever is the output). So consume lot of fluids, like variety of juices, along with with your regular meal(NO NON-VEG, NO ALCOHOL, NO CIGARETTES). Get a checkup done after 20 days and celebrate !!!
      For further details required, if any, please get in touch.
      Affectionately yours,
      Sandeep G Bulgannawar.
      Mobile : 9886053425

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  2. Hi Sonia! I have been reading your posts on fb for a while now. I have seen my dad undertaking a similar journey for the last 3 years so I can comprehend your state of mind. He has gone through multiple rounds of chemotherapy + radiation due to the remission and relapse cycles. He had one such chemo cycle scheduled today and he told the oncologist that he wanted a couple of weeks of “holiday” in December to enjoy his birthday and the year-end (his birthday is a few days after yours). I had almost fought with him last evening when he had told me that he would be asking for a “break” from treatment partly because he hasnt had a PET scan done in 6 months now so we have no clue on the status of the disease. Luckily for him the oncologist agreed to give him one. But, the point I am trying to make is that the only thing that will get you past this disease (or to keep it under check) is for you to keep fighting by leading as normal a life as possible (and being positive as well). And since this wedding is as important as you make it out to be, then you must participate in your full self :). Also, the side benefit is that since you are returning to normalcy now, you should be healthier to take the chemotherapy next month when you have to undertake it. Keep smiling :).

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    1. Hey Siddharth, thanks for understanding my point of view. it’s a hard decision to take but when one is at such crossroads one has to make certain choices that very few will understand. simply because they have never been put in such a situation. I hope uncle truly enjoys his break. 🙂

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  3. You are brave, strong and a true warrior.
    Your blogs are written with such honestly.
    I wish you all the best and hope that you enjoy every moment of the wedding. Power to you!

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  4. Ajay, every time I read Sonia blog, I am reminded and thankful for life, though just because I appear healthy I am not guaranteed a full life, I realise that unless I live life to its fullest each day that alone is the guarantee of a life lived to the fullest, and Sonia reminds us all to do that, my continued best wishes to her, what a beautiful person , what a beautiful picture , live Sonia, you must on your own terms. Always in my thoughts and prayers

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  5. Hi Sonia, I’m so happy you are blogging again! And taking the initiative and listening to your intuition. I watched a series during summer called The Truth About Cancer by Ty Bolinger. He has just released a book also which has become a number one best seller. It is about the dangers of Chemo and why our oncologists attempt to push us towards treatments that are potentially more harmful than good. I was astonished by the information in his series, which is available on DVD as well as in book form. Health is wealth and I wish you all the warrior fist pumps in the world that you will be led to the right treatment for you xx

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      1. Please do – him and his team are saving lives with the information that are making readily available. So many survivor stories that prove that cancer does not have to be a death sentence. People who were given just weeks to live and are still surviving ten/twenty years on. Dr. Battar was a stand out for me, amongst many other doctors who are successfully treating their patients without the need for abrasive chemotherapy. I wish you all the best xx

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